Memories are what’s left

The thing I dread most in the past 25 years of my life happened.

My dearest nanny passed away a month ago.

Without a word, without a sign, just pure coincidentally when we walked into her hospital room after supper that we saw her heartbeat failing a struggle she finally breathed her last was rising with screams for the nurses and doctors.

It wasn’t purely their fault, it was something just waiting to happen couldn’t digest it.

Was it better for her? To be free from all pains and cruelty of the world?

Yes, I guess so.

It was like she knew it was coming even before doctors realized she had to undergo an major operation.She told me she was having a terminal illness,at that time, all I thought of it was she just imagine it. Till the next day at midnite the nitemare begun.A call from the hospital started my worst nitemare.I was called to the hospital to sign a consent form agreeing the operation that cause her life.

Time was crawling by slowly as we waited outside the operating theatre.

She pulled through the operation even at her age of 88.

A few days after the surgery she suffered from an heart attack, her left leg died and one side of her lung gave way. She was on full oxygen support.

Doctors and nurses were very kind to our feelings, tho, they told us what we dreaded to hear most.”Get prepared”.

She really left us.I’ve never seen anyone “leave” in front of my naked eye.The feeling = Terrible and numb.

I felt numb all over and couldn’t digest the truth.

She laid there looking very peaceful and sweet.

That’s when my whole world came crashing down.

Thousands of questions started filling my head.

“why?why?why?”,”why didn’t I hold her often”,”why didn’t I tell her I love her as often as I should?”,”why didn’t I spend more time with her?”,so many whys after she left and I finally understood the meaning of :”you only learn to cherish someone after he/she leave you for good”.


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July 2004
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